Camming Down the Rabbit Hole Ch. 12

Taking time to thank them all, with Ellie by my side I eventually left, makeup intact and a bag of supplies which they’d put together for me. Out on the street we walked a little, I felt so different, without a mask or sunglasses on I was all out there for everyone to see and judge. But rather than be self-conscious about it, I felt empowered and emboldened, especially with Ellie so close.

We stopped outside the café, where she told me she had to go. I was sad but knew this was a step I would need to take alone, we looked at ourselves in the reflection of the café, she leant her head on my shoulder and said how proud she was of me, and I thanked her for all her support, and everything else, with a wink. We laughed and she held my face, planting a very delicate kiss on my lips. “Whatever decision you make, we’re still meeting up for a coffee, you got that?” I nodded and kissed her back, lingering a little longer this time.

“Don’t start that again, you’ll make me late” her face a little flushed as we parted, I blew her a kiss and she smiled back at me. That little flutter of pride rippling through me as I acknowledged the power I still had over her, it would never get old. I looked to the window again, I was on my own, but rather than feel unsure, I had a surge of positivity. I still didn’t know what the outcome would be, it really was up to the show and the fans, but I felt confident by the end of it, I would know for certain which direction I would take.

Walking home I took my time. I made a point of placing my feet with each stride, of practicing all those movements I had rehearsed time and time again since this whole thing began. Knowing how good I looked and seeking out anyone who would notice, I bristled with good vibes each time I caught someone’s eye. The double takes from guys walking with their girlfriends and their judgemental glares. I felt like I drew more energy each time it happened.

Returning to the flat, I had no reservations or nerves, I just wanted to put on the best show, to give it my all, and to know that no matter the outcome, I had taken the most out of this opportunity. I placed my bags down, and set about organising my space. I remade the bed, adjusted the lighting and cameras, cleaned and set up all my toys and props and finessed the backdrop.